The Hollywood Treatment

Brokeback Mountain

2009-11-07T00:47:00.001-08:00

Ennis and Jack realize early in the movie that having sex in the butt with a dude is immoral and decide instead to live free of sin and temptation.

Titanic

2009-11-07T00:46:00.003-08:00

After reaching America, Rose hatches a plan to save the Titanic from sinking. Enlisting the help of a black demolitions expert, an Irish sniper, a nerdy American hacker, and a crazy German scientist, they travel back in time to the day before the Titanic crashes so they can kill the iceberg before it has a chance to attack. After recruiting Jack, the team fights their way through his magical fortress. The black demolitions expert is killed at the end because the remote detonator for the charge they planted on the iceberg fails.

Ghostbusters

2009-11-07T00:46:00.001-08:00

Crossing the streams causes the fabric of reality to collapse, pulling the Earth into an alternate dimension where gravity doesn't exist. It's actually pretty cool, because people can float to work and stuff, but it's really hard to play basketball or use a trampoline.

Terminator 2: Judgment Day

2009-11-02T00:35:00.000-08:00

Arnold defeats the T-1000 with kindness and lives. The T-1000 goes on to have a successful acting career. John Connor, his mother, and the Terminator hook a sidecar up to a motorcycle and become a cross-country mystery solving trio. Their adventures end when the Terminator accidentally murders Old Man Jenkins who was just dressing up as the Ghost of Johnny Appleseed so he could print counterfeit Albanian Leks.

Forrest Gump

2009-10-31T03:18:00.001-07:00

The unnamed 'virus' that Jenny comes down with in the final act of the film is revealed to be the HIV virus. Rather than let his wife succumb to the painful grip of AIDS, Forrest and Forrest Jr. build a lab in the Gump family basement. Together, through the help of an 80's-style movie montage and the ghost of Forrest's war buddy, Bubba, they develop a cure and the world is rid of HIV and AIDS for all time.

Also, Lieutenant Dan finally gets promoted.

Requiem for a Dream

2009-10-31T03:06:00.001-07:00

Instead of spending her life as a whore and a heroin addict, Jennifer Connely and Jared Leto grow old together and have a healthy sexual relationship and moderate financial success as drug addicts/dealers. Keith David's character goes on to found MonstersOfCock.com.

Marlon Wayans still gets major buttrapes in prison, though. He deserves it for White Chicks and Dance Flick (among others).